Reason
by Nalana
Summary: I'm too dangerous, too poor, too old. Tonks had heard the excuses a thousand times. But does she want to know the reason? NOTE: character listing because of the two sides we hear from. Primarily referance to previous slash. Oneside TR, SLIGHT TR


Disclaimer: Do I look like Rowling? Nwope. Not in the least. I also don't even know her or anyone affiliated with the gold mine known as Harry Potter. OR, I might...or might have… and offended them. It would explain why she seems to hate me so much…and my house…but that's a whole other story!

Author's Note: This is the product two things 1) three months (okay, so like… 2 ½, right?) of me screaming and pouting over some of the things that happened in the latest installment. 2) a Tonks/Remus icon my Slytherin sister sent me that read "Rowling sunk my ship! Send a lifeboat!" (or something to that effect. ) This is my own lifeboat.

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With tired eyes Nymphadora Tonks looked over the tarnished setting of Hogwarts institution for the magically gifted. Chaos lingers longer than the actual rush of action. The night's wave of fright had washed over them and lapped back like a wave once the school had been told of the extent of the battle. The middle classes assisted in cleaning up the battered hallways of the grand wizarding school. Sixth years were busy assisting Madame Pomfrey in the crowded infirmary. The seventh years were helping with the more…brutal tasks. 

Several younger students, those not huddled together in shock, were trying to help those staff and Order members who had been in the thick of the battle. She was amazed by the bravery of the children. As bold as she was, Tonks wasn't sure that she would be able to hold things as well as they had.

One shy Hufflepuff tapped her on the shoulder, knocking her from her trance. The child meekly offered her a cup of tea, which she graciously took with a thank you and a half-hearted smile. After watching the first year student walk back to gather more refreshments from the emerged house elves, Tonks released a heavy sigh and headed to the quarters those of the Order had been assigned for the night.

The portraits, sympathizing with their mortal friends had abandoned their requirements for passwords for the night. It didn't seem necessary- what more damage could be done? And for those like Tonks, it was a grateful alteration. She wasn't sure she could hold anything else in her overloaded brain.

Stepping into the quaintly decorated room, she was surprised to see one other figure in the common area. Scratched and messier than usual, Remus Lupin was sprawled out across the couch, clutching something in his hand. His eyes were puffed, glistening and kissed with red. The metamorphmagus caught her breath before exhaling. In the time she had known him, she had never seen him cry.

"R-Remus?" She asked softly. The werewolf didn't look up, he simply closed his eyes. Tonks' stomach knotted, he wouldn't even look at her now. What had she done to deserve this?

"…Nymphadora…" He whispered, sitting up.

"You KNOW I don't like that!" She snapped, repressing a growl before seeing him openly flinch. "…Sorry."

Nodding, whether to her or to the coffee table in front of him she wasn't sure, he patted the couch beside him. Hesitant Tonks move forward until she stood beside him, but would not sit. When Remus looked up at her, though, her guilt deepened. His eyes were devoid of that was always so abundant in his irises.

"Tonks. Please." His voice was cracked and speckled with the sorrow he was radiation.

Sinking into the cushions she looked longingly over at him. Reaching out, she placed a careful hand on the rougher one just inches away. He did not retreat from her touch like he usually did. He even let her squeeze it.

"Remus… I'm…" She glanced down at her feet. "I'm sorry about earlier. I'm sorry for saying all that I … said with everyone there."

Remus tugged his hand from beneath hers and let it hang loosely on his lap. Tonks' throat contorted. Why did he always freeze when she tried to reach out to him; when she tried to help?

"I have to talk to you…" He whispered so low she could barely understand it.

Her mind spun. He was opening up to her! If even a little, she had strove for this for so long! Still, coming to her when he appeared so broken… was it …good?

"I keep giving you excuses." He said bluntly, causing her to blink in surprise. "And that's what they are. They're just excuses." The former professor looked up at the woman who cared so much from him.

"I've often told you that you deserve better than me. That is the closest thing I've told you that was the truth."

"Remus! I don't! How can you—"

"No." He raised his free hand. "Please. If I don't say t his, I won't be able to. Please." He begged her, causing her to close her mouth from the position it had been in.

"I look at you, your devotion and your strength, and I am shocked. You're so full of life and optimism. You've reminded me of who I used to be, and kept me young in these two years." For the first time since she had confessed to him, he looked her straight in the eye.

"When you told me… that you loved me, I didn't know what to say. I was humbled at the thought that someone could still care for me. Me. The werewolf. The friend of the traitor and those holy dead. But to you, I was Remus. And that thought was something that I couldn't comprehend."

Tonks shifted uncomfortably. She wasn't sure what direction he was taking. Lupin must have felt a tug from this as his hand covered the one she had tried to rest on his.

"But when it settled in, I realized that keeping onto this amazing revelation was useless. It was cruel—for both of us. I couldn't bury this notion. At the same time I couldn't tell you that I didn't care for you."

"Then why?" Tonks asked, careful that her own voice didn't slip. Her speech halted once more as his finger landed gently on her mouth.

" I do care for you Tonks… but… I won't be able to love you." He lowered his hand and his face, obviously trying to maintain his train of thought and state. " I can't give a heart to someone when it's already been taken and lost…"

Not being able to say anything else at the moment, Remus let his other hand cross over him to give her the object he had been holding onto so fiercely when she had entered. Curiously she looked down at the item. Examining it she gasped and with a shaky grip let it fall onto the floor.

Sighing the wizard reached down to pick it back. His thumb ran over the photograph Tonks had let go of. He had known this wouldn't come easy to her. It was one of the reasons he had asked Molly to keep quiet about it, as the two women had become rather attached to one another.

On the surface of the image, Remus was sitting on a couch in Grimmauld place looking contemplative. That is, until a flash of a hand swiped it all away and a figure with a length of black hair plopped down beside him. Tonks glanced over to see the other figure mouth something to the confused but amused werewolf before the figure pulled Remus closer and quickly kissed him in an almost teasing manner. When the two had separated Tonks saw a smile on Remus' face she had never seem before. Her heart twisted.

"Molly walked in on us and thought we were 'cute.' She's the one who took that." He said dryly. "We begged her not to tell anyone. She told us we were foolish; but agreed."

"…Why didn't you tell me? Then, I mean. " Tonks asked in a whisper.

"I've never seen Sirius truly afraid of anything. Angry, yes I've witnessed, but never afraid. The thought of those we knew…of you… mocking us."

"So he thought I was incapable of accepting him! ME of all people, the freak of the family!" She burst out.

Remus shook his head. "It wasn't just you. We… before Molly, the only one who knew was James. He…didn't react well. He wasn't cruel. He was just…surprised. It caught him off guard. He didn't react like himself. But it always made him think 'if the man I consider more like a brother couldn't take it…' I could never convince him otherwise."

An awkward silence fell between them. It was filled up by confusion. Tonks shook her head.

"I don't understand." Tonks shook her head. "You said that you cared for me. But… Remus…unless…why can't you…"

"It's not as—"

"REMUS." She stood up quickly, negative emotions controlling over her logic. "HE'S DEAD. Sirius is DEAD."

She had regretted the words the moment they had fled from her mouth. The metamorphmagus covered her mouth as quickly as she had stopped, her eyes widening. Unlike so often, Remus did not quiver or retort with words. He simply swallowed a few times.

"Say that to me again." Lupin's voice was hard, completely serious.

"He's…" She couldn't do it.

Lupin stood up beside her. She backed away a step. He grabbed her shoulders to plant her in her place.

"Say something like that to me again after you've been in love. No, I don't mean when you feel love—love is a psychological bastard. Talk with me when you live what love feels like. Tell me after you sleep in the arms of someone you know that you can't breath without, and then choke silently as they're torn away from you in middle of the night. Tell that to me as you are ripped away from someone and can still feel their touch, hear their words. Then come to me and tell me that they're dead."

"I _loved_ him." He finally found the words he had tried to avoid. "I can't remember when I realized that. I only remember that I never told him that. All those years and…" He snorted. "You would think I was completely the opposite."

The feeling of being shot down would have been less painful, Tonks decided. She wasn't completely sure what was hurting her more- his rejection, or that he looked like he himself was about to die. Was he still truly hanging on this long?

"I know he's physically gone. I know he's not …c...coming back." The older man let his hands slide from her shoulders, releasing her, as he sunk back down into the cushions near them. His back slouched over limply, as if he had lost all strength.

Shifting, choking back her own tears, Tonks abnormally gracefully slid over to sit beside him. With soft words she put her arms around him, pulling him close to her. The moment he buried his head beside her neck he began to sob lightly.

"Tonks… I'm sorry! I'm so sorry. I w-wish you didn't have to see me l-like this. I wish I could give you what you want. I wish...he were still here. I'm s-so sorry." He mumbled, clinging onto her.

"You shouldn't have to hold me together like this. You've been doing it for so long. I should have been the one helping you." He continued on as she rubbed his back.

Tonks lifted his chin slightly upwards so that he was looking up at her. With the side of her robes she wiped the tear trails that had formed away from his skin. With all the emotion she cold muster she smiled down at him.

"No, Remus. It's all right. When you care for someone, you help them. You're there when you need them. And you have been there. Not just for me, but for all of us."

With a sniffle, Remus straightened up, but did not withdraw from her arms. He pushed her still mousy brown hair away from her face. Examining her for a moment, he leaned forward to place his lips against her forehead.

Without jerking away, Tonks sighed slightly. She would give anything to stay in this moment, but not today. Delicately she moved her head so that it rested into his shoulder, the control of the hug switching.

Tonks held this position, not wanting to move from this single moment of tenderness. She had always been strong. Now, she had to push that strength a bit further.

"Remus…" She whispered into his shoulder. "You don't have to love me. Not now. Please. Just… stay by me. I won't ask anything else from you. Just… don't leave…"

"I promise. I won't leave." He assured his former lover's cousin. "I can't."

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Two days later, Tonks stood beside her werewolf mourning the loss of yet another great leader. And though sadness consumed the occasion, the shape-shifter couldn't help but feel just a bit of hope. Snape may have disappeared. Dumbledore may be gone, but they knew now what force they were facing. And Remus was keeping his word.

Throughout the ceremony he had stayed close to her, his hand enclosing around her own. For a moment, she was content. Besides, she had a notion that she just might have fun watching him blush if she pried for more details of this past that kept them apart. It could be very fun indeed…


End file.
